Ok so I wrote this blog on 16 February 2021. About 3 and a half months ago. I didn’t post it because I actually intended on it ending with a positive spin about how I could accept limitations. But it ended negatively and I felt bad about just putting out fully negative shit that is very self-pitying – even if it’s understandably self-pitying.
Something about it is sort of a really interesting throwback to how deep in denial you can knowingly be and decide… yup I choose denial cos I can’t see anything else.
Welcome to my brain in the middle of a breakdown/PTSD relapse. It was not a fun time.
Accepting my limitations is my least favourite thing to do.
I don’t like to think that there is anything that I can’t do that an average person off the street could.
It just doesn’t sound right.
I feel like I’m a physically, mentally and emotionally capable human so why can’t I do the same shit as my friends. Especially the ones who eat worse, drink more and exercise less… Like wtf, how can they work enough hours to pay their rent and bills and have disposable income and a social life and if I try, I have mental breakdowns and get forced to drop everything to focus on recovery.