CW: Discussions of r*pe and PTSD

That’s a weird realisation.

It feels like a milestone, or like a huge anniversary.

But it’s literally the decennial of something that irreversibly changed the trajectory of my life, of me as a person, of my entire worldview.

It’s been 10 years since I was raped.

(I mean… it’s happened before and since then as well, but this was the only one I’ve reported and the entire circumstances around it were deeply deeply traumatising).

Also, what are the chances that it’d fall exactly on the 2023 Sexual Assault Awareness Month Day of Action?? The first Tuesday of April – which is April 4th this year. Yesterday.

Before we begin, this is a friendly note that this blog talks about Covid 19 and vaccinations, but (surprise) I am not a medical professional. I'm just an obsessive gal with skin in the game and a lot of time on my hands. 

The information below is not medical advice and should not be taken as medical advice. Please contact your family doctor or healthcare provider if you have any personal medical questions. 

I did many, many hours of research on this, using as reputable sources as I could find. This was started at the beginning of September (before anxiety set in and I had to pause for a while) so please keep that in mind when reading if the numbers have changed. Also, I have not added sources cos I'm not a journalist and that would have taken me foooorever. Sorry.

Lately, I’ve definitely noticed that my echo chamber social media feeds and general conversations are particularly pro-vaccination and a lot of my friends and family are going out and getting the Covid jabs. That’s their prerogative – I’m also one of those people.

But I also see a few sentiments that are anti-vaccination, or at least anti-Covid-vaccination. They seem concerned about “vaccine passports”, the safety or efficacy of them, the implications/effects of the vaccines and/or the “slippery slope” it could lead to.

Having dated a guy with a very opposite view on these vaccinations to myself, I’ve come to learn some of the very valid reasons people are worried, and also some of the reasons that I can’t find decent information to back up (or what I consider to be double standard takes or takes that don’t line up).

I’m not gonna lie and say I’m unbiased. I have literal skin in the game – not super keen on dying from this disease since I’m high risk and all that. Living with a primary immunodeficiency and a lung disease wasn’t fun before this pandemic… now it sucks even more.

Is this me coming out?

What is coming out?

Do you have to come out publicly for it to count? Sit down with your parents and have “the chat”? When are you officially out of the closet? Does literally everyone you know have to know?

I don’t know if this is me coming out… that probably depends if you know my situation or not. In my opinion, if you assumed I was straight, that’s sort of on you for making that assumption 😉

I don’t know why I keep writing about topics that I know are confronting, but they keep being front of mind for me, so here we go.

I’ve been thinking a lot about “Nice Guys” lately.

Probably cos I’m surrounded by them.

Which makes sense cos I don’t tend to surround myself with misogynists or the types of people who make rape jokes or whatever toxic dudes do these days.

And honestly, I don’t think that type surround themselves with people like me… cos generally, outspoken feminist types who call them out don’t spark joy for them.

Ok so I wrote this blog on 16 February 2021. About 3 and a half months ago. I didn’t post it because I actually intended on it ending with a positive spin about how I could accept limitations. But it ended negatively and I felt bad about just putting out fully negative shit that is very self-pitying – even if it’s understandably self-pitying.

Something about it is sort of a really interesting throwback to how deep in denial you can knowingly be and decide… yup I choose denial cos I can’t see anything else.

Welcome to my brain in the middle of a breakdown/PTSD relapse. It was not a fun time.

Accepting my limitations is my least favourite thing to do.

I don’t like to think that there is anything that I can’t do that an average person off the street could.

It just doesn’t sound right.

I feel like I’m a physically, mentally and emotionally capable human so why can’t I do the same shit as my friends. Especially the ones who eat worse, drink more and exercise less… Like wtf, how can they work enough hours to pay their rent and bills and have disposable income and a social life and if I try, I have mental breakdowns and get forced to drop everything to focus on recovery.